Yo dudes. Hot damn. I am bored but still don’t want to do anything. I am tired. I am maybe a little depressed. Just feel like I am at a stand-still. I know that I cannot be bothered with a regular 9-5 Job right now. I have too many appointments and my PTSD/ physical health is a challenge while working full or part-time. I don’t want to go back to college yet because I don’t know what I want to do. I JUST WANT TO DO IT ALL! LOL!

I would love to make a living with my creativity but struggle with me being the face of the brand. I feel it is a bit superficial. Then, I don’t want people from my past to blow up the comments or find me because I am an Internet personality. Some of my tarot readings have suggested that I have a hidden talent that I have not discovered yet. I wonder if that is music. I always loved music. But, yeah. I don’t play any instruments or do anything of the sort. I don’t feel I am a good music writer or anything like that. I am just feeling a bit stuck. I always felt like I would do something. At 12, I remember I wanted to do something other than just have kids and die. Then even younger, I remember writing stories and singing. Getting glammed up and playing songs with my sister Sierra. I wonder if I am even cut out to be “famous”. I am very sensitive and it feels like being famous would involve a lot of people. Then it would be a lot of photos and being the face of things. It just all seems very overwhelming and not my vibe.

But, the issue of money has come up quite a bit recently. My dad talking to me about it and my shopping has gotten crazy. I think I am just searching for some hits of adrenaline or serotonin or dopamine. Like, I need to feel something. Being home most of the time is great, but wow… I do get bored and reach for the most rewarding things like shopping, eating sugar, and spending a lot of time on my phone. Anything to distract me from any reality that I have. My reality is that I am unhappy: I live on disability VA pay, I have depression/PTSD/ anxiety, and I am goalless and directionless.

How can you be inspired but directionless at the same time? Is that considered overwhelm?

Should I start a YouTube channel? I’ve always liked the film, acting, makeup, editing, shooting, writing, and planning videos.

I printed out a picture I saw on Pinterest last night. It says, “Don’t let the tame ones tell you how to live.” Maybe I am feeling this way. I feel this way towards my dad’s conversation with me. He seemed to tell me to get over my shit and go back to work a conventional job. He completely looked over being my own boss or working online- it is 2020 after all. The options are limitless but it is hard to fight in your battle. My battle seems to be, “Am I worthy?” and “Do people give a shit about what I have to say?”

I guess I am still figuring it out like every other person out there. It doesn’t come easy sometimes. And that is okay. Maybe I’ll get there.

How are you guys doing? Please let me know below!

Namaste! Love you!