Struggles of Current Daily Life

Yo dudes. Hot damn. I am bored but still don’t want to do anything. I am tired. I am maybe a little depressed. Just feel like I am at a stand-still. I know that I cannot be bothered with a regular 9-5 Job right now. I have too many appointments and my PTSD/ physical health is a challenge while working full or part-time. I don’t want to go back to college yet because I don’t know what I want to do. I JUST WANT TO DO IT ALL! LOL!

I would love to make a living with my creativity but struggle with me being the face of the brand. I feel it is a bit superficial. Then, I don’t want people from my past to blow up the comments or find me because I am an Internet personality. Some of my tarot readings have suggested that I have a hidden talent that I have not discovered yet. I wonder if that is music. I always loved music. But, yeah. I don’t play any instruments or do anything of the sort. I don’t feel I am a good music writer or anything like that. I am just feeling a bit stuck. I always felt like I would do something. At 12, I remember I wanted to do something other than just have kids and die. Then even younger, I remember writing stories and singing. Getting glammed up and playing songs with my sister Sierra. I wonder if I am even cut out to be “famous”. I am very sensitive and it feels like being famous would involve a lot of people. Then it would be a lot of photos and being the face of things. It just all seems very overwhelming and not my vibe.

But, the issue of money has come up quite a bit recently. My dad talking to me about it and my shopping has gotten crazy. I think I am just searching for some hits of adrenaline or serotonin or dopamine. Like, I need to feel something. Being home most of the time is great, but wow… I do get bored and reach for the most rewarding things like shopping, eating sugar, and spending a lot of time on my phone. Anything to distract me from any reality that I have. My reality is that I am unhappy: I live on disability VA pay, I have depression/PTSD/ anxiety, and I am goalless and directionless.

How can you be inspired but directionless at the same time? Is that considered overwhelm?

Should I start a YouTube channel? I’ve always liked the film, acting, makeup, editing, shooting, writing, and planning videos.

I printed out a picture I saw on Pinterest last night. It says, “Don’t let the tame ones tell you how to live.” Maybe I am feeling this way. I feel this way towards my dad’s conversation with me. He seemed to tell me to get over my shit and go back to work a conventional job. He completely looked over being my own boss or working online- it is 2020 after all. The options are limitless but it is hard to fight in your battle. My battle seems to be, “Am I worthy?” and “Do people give a shit about what I have to say?”

I guess I am still figuring it out like every other person out there. It doesn’t come easy sometimes. And that is okay. Maybe I’ll get there.

How are you guys doing? Please let me know below!

Namaste! Love you!

Healing Into a Lotus

I hope one day, I can muster up the courage to forgive you

To let the muddy water, pour out of me

I can only hope right now.

Because wow, I am angry and hurt.

I was a beautiful, innocent child.

I was your responsibility.

Not a burden.

You had the duty

The opportunity to show me how I should be loved and treated.

You had the duty to show me. But you failed…

Trust me, I don’t understand any more than you.

Why did I fall into this unethical bear trap?

The only one of five children in your toxic care that did

I spend years, relationship after relationship, getting more and more hurt.

Getting filled with more muddy water.

I rode in your toxic wavelength.

Got so sea- sick, but didn’t know how to step out.

I almost lost my life because of your piss poor example.

I starved myself of food and love.

I was violated, left for dead, suffocated with no sun.

I shot my harm out of the thick black sludge that was engulfing me.

But no one was there to take my hand.

Never will I ever have another relationship like yours.

I’ll be damned.

I will be walking myself down the aisle on my stunning wedding day.

After all this pain and heartache,

I deserve to give myself away to the new love of my life.

To let him have my new heart that I’ve worked so hard to heal. 

My new wild, creative spirit.

 My new body filled with fresh rosewater.

He can blow out the fire in my heart just by being in his presence.

I’m in my own garden now. In a new pond, I created my home.

Like a gorgeous lotus, I’m growing out of muddy water.

Guilt

By: Independent Love

Here we are again

The thoughts in my head spinning

Eyes welling up with tears

My throat choking back the pain

The ache in my chest

Stomach doing flips

Moment after moment

Replaying every image

Every encounter

What did I do wrong?

Holding my breath

Just have to stay busy

Frantically looking for something to do

All of a sudden,

My surroundings aren’t a home.

I don’t recognize anything in my life

Hyperventilating now

Letting it all out

Screams

Cries

Tears

Where is the line?

Where does your guilt stop?

And mine start?

I’m confused.

And hurt.

What was my fault?

What was yours?

Everything is blurry

But it still makes me hate myself.

How do I not repeat this cycle again?

Am I playing the victim?

Or am I taking too much of your shit?

When do I close the door?

And stop taking all the pain

Better

By: Independent Love

Is she better?

Does she hold you tightly when you are crying?

When you are sobbing and emotionally broken

Does she cradle your head?

Giving you tiny kisses while stroking your hair?

You tell her how broken you are

How the world is so mean

Tell her what I did to you

Is she better?

In a moment of sobbing, you stop to smile while buried in her arms.

Don’t let her see you smile.

She feels your pain ripping in her chest

She’s apologizing to you. Telling you that you don’t deserve this

You know you found your next prey.

Is she better?

Is she going to be better than me?

Will she help change you?

Will you twist her emotions and thoughts like a contortionist?

I know you will.

How long will it take for you to discard her?

The moment she says no to you?

The moment she gets a smile from another man?

Go ahead and cry now

Show her you have pain

And emotions

She will need to see it

You need to do it

To make sure she is good and hooked on you

Dragging her upstream, downstream like a fish on a hook

Is she better?

Or will she just see through you too?