Yo dudes. Hot damn. I am bored but still don’t want to do anything. I am tired. I am maybe a little depressed. Just feel like I am at a stand-still. I know that I cannot be bothered with a regular 9-5 Job right now. I have too many appointments and my PTSD/ physical health is a challenge while working full or part-time. I don’t want to go back to college yet because I don’t know what I want to do. I JUST WANT TO DO IT ALL! LOL!
I would love to make a living with my creativity but struggle with me being the face of the brand. I feel it is a bit superficial. Then, I don’t want people from my past to blow up the comments or find me because I am an Internet personality. Some of my tarot readings have suggested that I have a hidden talent that I have not discovered yet. I wonder if that is music. I always loved music. But, yeah. I don’t play any instruments or do anything of the sort. I don’t feel I am a good music writer or anything like that. I am just feeling a bit stuck. I always felt like I would do something. At 12, I remember I wanted to do something other than just have kids and die. Then even younger, I remember writing stories and singing. Getting glammed up and playing songs with my sister Sierra. I wonder if I am even cut out to be “famous”. I am very sensitive and it feels like being famous would involve a lot of people. Then it would be a lot of photos and being the face of things. It just all seems very overwhelming and not my vibe.
But, the issue of money has come up quite a bit recently. My dad talking to me about it and my shopping has gotten crazy. I think I am just searching for some hits of adrenaline or serotonin or dopamine. Like, I need to feel something. Being home most of the time is great, but wow… I do get bored and reach for the most rewarding things like shopping, eating sugar, and spending a lot of time on my phone. Anything to distract me from any reality that I have. My reality is that I am unhappy: I live on disability VA pay, I have depression/PTSD/ anxiety, and I am goalless and directionless.
How can you be inspired but directionless at the same time? Is that considered overwhelm?
Should I start a YouTube channel? I’ve always liked the film, acting, makeup, editing, shooting, writing, and planning videos.
I printed out a picture I saw on Pinterest last night. It says, “Don’t let the tame ones tell you how to live.” Maybe I am feeling this way. I feel this way towards my dad’s conversation with me. He seemed to tell me to get over my shit and go back to work a conventional job. He completely looked over being my own boss or working online- it is 2020 after all. The options are limitless but it is hard to fight in your battle. My battle seems to be, “Am I worthy?” and “Do people give a shit about what I have to say?”
I guess I am still figuring it out like every other person out there. It doesn’t come easy sometimes. And that is okay. Maybe I’ll get there.