Healing Into a Lotus

I hope one day, I can muster up the courage to forgive you

To let the muddy water, pour out of me

I can only hope right now.

Because wow, I am angry and hurt.

I was a beautiful, innocent child.

I was your responsibility.

Not a burden.

You had the duty

The opportunity to show me how I should be loved and treated.

You had the duty to show me. But you failed…

Trust me, I don’t understand any more than you.

Why did I fall into this unethical bear trap?

The only one of five children in your toxic care that did

I spend years, relationship after relationship, getting more and more hurt.

Getting filled with more muddy water.

I rode in your toxic wavelength.

Got so sea- sick, but didn’t know how to step out.

I almost lost my life because of your piss poor example.

I starved myself of food and love.

I was violated, left for dead, suffocated with no sun.

I shot my harm out of the thick black sludge that was engulfing me.

But no one was there to take my hand.

Never will I ever have another relationship like yours.

I’ll be damned.

I will be walking myself down the aisle on my stunning wedding day.

After all this pain and heartache,

I deserve to give myself away to the new love of my life.

To let him have my new heart that I’ve worked so hard to heal. 

My new wild, creative spirit.

 My new body filled with fresh rosewater.

He can blow out the fire in my heart just by being in his presence.

I’m in my own garden now. In a new pond, I created my home.

Like a gorgeous lotus, I’m growing out of muddy water.


By: Independent Love

Here we are again

The thoughts in my head spinning

Eyes welling up with tears

My throat choking back the pain

The ache in my chest

Stomach doing flips

Moment after moment

Replaying every image

Every encounter

What did I do wrong?

Holding my breath

Just have to stay busy

Frantically looking for something to do

All of a sudden,

My surroundings aren’t a home.

I don’t recognize anything in my life

Hyperventilating now

Letting it all out




Where is the line?

Where does your guilt stop?

And mine start?

I’m confused.

And hurt.

What was my fault?

What was yours?

Everything is blurry

But it still makes me hate myself.

How do I not repeat this cycle again?

Am I playing the victim?

Or am I taking too much of your shit?

When do I close the door?

And stop taking all the pain


By: Independent Love

Is she better?

Does she hold you tightly when you are crying?

When you are sobbing and emotionally broken

Does she cradle your head?

Giving you tiny kisses while stroking your hair?

You tell her how broken you are

How the world is so mean

Tell her what I did to you

Is she better?

In a moment of sobbing, you stop to smile while buried in her arms.

Don’t let her see you smile.

She feels your pain ripping in her chest

She’s apologizing to you. Telling you that you don’t deserve this

You know you found your next prey.

Is she better?

Is she going to be better than me?

Will she help change you?

Will you twist her emotions and thoughts like a contortionist?

I know you will.

How long will it take for you to discard her?

The moment she says no to you?

The moment she gets a smile from another man?

Go ahead and cry now

Show her you have pain

And emotions

She will need to see it

You need to do it

To make sure she is good and hooked on you

Dragging her upstream, downstream like a fish on a hook

Is she better?

Or will she just see through you too?

My Weird Playlist

Hey everyone! Welcome back! I have a confession. I am going through a weird time in my life right now. This playlist is helping me get through. I am swinging between hurt/pain and feeling empowered. Anyone else experience this before? Or just me? Hahaha!

Anyways, here is my list of jams right now:

“Manifest” Russ

“Nobody Knows” Russ

“Back to life” Russ

“Some Time” Russ

“I’m the Man”50 cent

“Apparently” J Cole

“Party” Beyonce & J Cole

“Forever Young/Halo” Beyonce & Jay Z

“Bad Guy” Niykee Heaton

“Starting Over” Niykee Heaton

“Mascara” Niykee Heaton

“Be as you are” Mike Posner

“Begging you” Russ

“Grown Woman” Beyonce

“Cold Sweat” Tinashe

“Crooked Smile” J Cole

“Hello Ego” Jhene Aiko

“Break up with your Boyfriend, I’m bored” Ariana Grande

“IV Sweatpants” Childish Gambino

“Like I used to” Tinashe

“Never Call me” Jhene Aiko

“Love me like you used to” Kaskade feat. Cecilia Gault

“Tomboy” Destiny Rogers

“Sally Walker” Iggy Azalea

“Out of Love” Alessia Cara

“Nice” The Carters

“Overstimulated” Jhene Aiko

“Runnin’ (Lose it all)” Naughty Boy feat. Beyonce and Arrow Benjamin

“Salt” Tinashe

“Save myself” Ed Sheeran

“Self-Care” Mac Miller

“Be like me” Lil Pump feat. Lil Wayne

Are you guys going through anything right now? Let me know!


Needing Validation?

Hey Wanderers!

I had a weird conversation with one of my loved ones yesterday. Long story short, I felt weird after. I didn’t get what I felt I needed from the conversation. I ended up feeling robbed in the end.

Huh? What happened?

That’s when I realized this morning that I needed validation. I was looking for her to tell me that I was doing the right thing: to get out of a relationship I wasn’t happy in. Also, to tell me “Good job. You are so strong for leaving a job that caused you crippling anxiety.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^Guess what I didn’t get from that conversation. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It is a fact of life that we are all doing the best we can. She didn’t know what I wanted or needed to hear. But, I did. So, why don’t I validate myself?

Truth is: I recently broke up with my boyfriend, quit my job, and have been experiencing some mental and physical health issues. In simple words “ Yeah, I’m fucking scared.”

I have been noticing that I have been leaning too much on friends and family to make me happy at this time of my life. Telling them the sob story that I believe about myself. The fact that I’m in too much pain to work, too anxious to continue school, too broken to keep my head up above water.

I don’t feel you have to believe every day that you are going to punch the world in the face. It’s okay to have sad days too. Anything society says about that not being okay is bull shit.

Sometimes, get your head above water just enough that your nose skims the surface. It is just a simple neck move (looking up) to be able to breathe.

Now, here are a few things I have been thinking about on how to validate yourself:

  1. Are you happy? If so, that’s great. If not, only you know how to make yourself happy.
  2. Is something inside you alive that wasn’t before? You probably are on the right path.
  3. What is something you have done that you are so fucking proud of? Realize that you fucking did that. No one else.
  4. Do you think you are enough? Of course, you are! You are a badass!
  5. Journal about it. If you are at peace with your decisions in life, why are you looking elsewhere?
  6. Are you saying “should”? If so, please drop that shit from your vocab. “Should” to me is the ultimate self-hatred word. Telling yourself, “I should go to the gym.” “I should do this.” “I should do that.” How does this thinking help you? Blah. In my past therapy groups, we weren’t allowed to say “should.” Dump it and see how you feel after.
  7. Are you taking the time to recognize how you feel and why? Tell yourself it is okay. It is okay to be mad, angry, depressed, sad, scared, etc. Emotions are there for a reason. Listen to them. Love yourself for having them.
  8. Finally, realize that you have everything you need inside of you. No need to go outward, see what is inside you and communicate with that. You got this. Look up and trust the process.

Hope this helps! Namaste!